The Orifice Store is Online! Buy now!

Get all of your Orifice essentials here at the The Orifice Store™. Our goods are handmade, gluten-free, and locally-sourced depending on your definition of handmade, gluten-free, and locally-sourced! To place an order, please inquire with @MANANAHAMMOCK or @ASS_NICKLESON on the tweet-sphere.

Dr. Hammock’s Cure-All Bleach* $2.99

Got a case of the Coronavirus? Worry no longer, cause the Orifice has you covered!

Dr. Hammock’s Cure-All Bleach will fix all your woes. Well, maybe not. But boy-oh-boy is this stuff tasty!

Now in a variety of delicious bleach-tastic flavors such as banana, bubble-gum, turkey-burger, and original!

Endorsed by the Orange Man.*

Fair Trade Stick $5.99

It’s a stick. It’s 6 feet long. Do with it what you will.

CRAFT BEER $15.99

You will just love this Generic™ Craft Beer. It has hoppy notes, and I didn’t cry once while brewing it, promise!

This brew ain’t for drinking though! Use it to keep snotty hipsters out of your vegetable garden during the shelter-in-place. Just toss a can, and they are bound to chase after it!*

*results may vary by region.

Orifice Brand™ Grocery Store Suit

$17,899

Look guys, I get it. You can’t even go to the grocery store to stand close to people and cough anymore without someone screaming “corona-man corona-man corona man!”

Well, worry no longer, cause the Orifice has the product for you! Our team of engineers has designed the perfect vehicle for the modern human to go grocery shopping in.

This thing runs on clean-burning diesel, so other grocery store visitors will hardly notice you! It is also sound, water, and pee-proof, so you can cough and pee in peace without alerting the grocery-narcs.

Available in a variety of sizes and colors. For financing options, inquire with @MANANAHAMMOCK

C’rent Fresh Podcast

$0.00

This one’s free, you cheap fucks! Why aren’t you already listening????

https://www.magnumorifice.org/crent-fresh

Knife!

(free with qualifying purchase)